What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 10:42
I couldn’t, believe it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So whats the point in blame.
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What did i know ?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Would this be the day?
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She wouldn,t have been !
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She married twice! .
And i lived it daily.
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But it wasn’t much.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was scared of men, in general
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
If you caught a shoplifter at your yard sale, how would you handle it?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Put me off passion for life!!
Im still living with it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My family never makes their pension either.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It was going to be , some day.
She loved him until the end.
All the time i was locked up.
We were not on the streets..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But, we were locked up after school.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I think the readers, may guess!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I write beautiful poetry .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I don,t even have a pension.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But ive been too sick for many years..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Who then, do I blame.?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was seconnd youngest,
(And it was in our own minds.)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was 9 years of age.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He knew the spot.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We all went to grammer schools
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So, i spoilt her more .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One cannot live in the past .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I said to her
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Ive learnt so much.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
This is soul school!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I will be 64.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My life is so biszare .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
When she asked me how she looked .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I waited trembling.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I have no regrets .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was in good health!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Comes on , in middle age.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She found it foreign!.